It’s been MONTHS since I last posted. Sheesh, I should be ashamed!
Another year under my belt… Soon to be celebrating 7 years with Paul (3 years married)… Paul will be celebrating his next birthday… he’ll be what… 12, 13? 25? I don’t recall. XD
Reading back through some of my older blogs and I’m forced to laugh at my nonsense. I mean I’m not ashamed or anything, just… well… *shrug*
2012 was actually a good year, as far as years go… It pretty much flew by and I learned plenty. I mean, I did nothing BUT learn in 2012.
I’m married to the most outstanding man I’ve ever known. Ever. You’d think that after 7 years I’d be like: meh. But no, I’ve never met someone as giving, loving, fun, funny, steady, smart, reliable and GOOD as Paul. I’m not just saying this because I know he’s going to be reading this, either.
I am blessed to have him in my life. He deals with my insecurities, my insanity, my rage, my tears and always… always… he comes back with only love and support… and a few choice words if I’ve been a spectacular asshat. Sometimes I just watch him and wonder why, you know? Why does he stick around? I’m no prize, man. Whatever his reason (Stockholms, prolly) I am blessed and I adore him.
I have… how many kids, now? 4? 7? Oh, 3 I have 3 of the most infuriating children on the face of the Earth. I wouldn’t change them for anything.
Except maybe an island of my own. Maybe.
My oldest is just like me when I was his age. Whoops. I oscillate between wanting to throttle him and wanting to cheer him on. He’s weird, vulgar, funny and brilliant. And going through all the tough shit a 13 year old has to go through. I just want to shake him sometimes, shake him and hold him and protect him from himself.
But he’s too much like me… and he’s going to have to walk a really hard road before he figures out a few needful truths. I just hope he comes into his own before too long. My worst fear is that he’s going to rudderless, without direction… and he’s going to wallow when shit starts rising. I’m not the best parent, I make mistakes but I think the best thing I can do for Bryce or his siblings is to let them make their mistakes and be there to help them tend their wounds then support them when they get back on their feet and rejoin the fray.
My daughter is … wow. She’s talented and beautiful. She’s so much more than I was at her age. I was all geek all the time, but she’s… wow. I’m tough on her, though. She’s going to have a hard road ahead of her, too. Being a woman has never been easy. I want her to be able to rely on herself. Not some dude, not her beauty… herself. She has worth and value… she is more than the sum of her parts. My fear is that she’ll be crippled by self doubt or fall prey to society’s pitfalls where the only things that ‘matter’ are how pretty you are, how much money you make and what you’ve got between your legs.
I fear for my daughter. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, though. She’s ambitious and willing to do the grunt work to reach her goals… to a point, but then again she’s only 12. I don’t expect her to carve out a career… yet.
Then there’s Keegan.
What can I say about him? He’s 5 going on 6 and he’s so much fun. He’s a mirror of his father. Caring and gentle, fun and imaginative… and weird. Yeah, my baby boy is a weirdo. I love it. When people are down he tries to pick them up. He only wants to be friends with everyone he sees but he takes it to heart when people don’t feel the same way. He’s pretty fearless when it comes down to it. He’s my knight, my jester, my little curly haired dinosaur. It makes me happiest when he sees me after a long day at school and shouts “MOOOM!” before running to me with arms wide open.
Like I said, I’m not the best parent out there… but I’m the best parent I can be. I screw up and blunder and I realize that. Nonetheless, I get told that I’ve got great kids …but …I don’t agree.
I’ve got fucking AWESOME kids.