All Stand and Raise Your Champagne Glass

We’re moving across the country.

Go figure that line of reasoning out,  I dare you.

I was going to write this blog about my fears, you know? All the things that could go wrong, all the questions that people have been asking me and all of the judgement we’ve already stumbled across in making this decision.

We’re moving across the  whole of the country. I’ve never thought about the future and actually felt like it was so bright and so clear, before.

It took almost a year of casual talk, a few months of serious consideration, weeks of sitting down as a couple, days of research and hours of discussion of this as a family.

*Shrug* Good fucking luck to us, I guess.

Dusty Monsters and Craven Hounds

I’m always looking for something to keep me occupied. Paul accuses me of being unable to keep myself entertained… and to that I say: SHUT UP, PAUL, YOU DON’T KNOW ME! I DO WHAT I WANT!

So, another one of my um… attempts to keep myself entertained  boils down to putting myself through a liquid diet. I was thinking a juice fast but, gosh, I need more than just juice. I need things that taste like they died for me. Fruits and vegg just taste like smiles.

So tonight I started with a pear, orange, turnip and berry concoction that wasn’t too bad. I followed that with some bangin’ broth that Paul and I made. It was rendered chicken (rendered to the point that the bones because mush) combined with miso, dashi and whatever magic happens when Paul cooks.

On top of this I’ll be writing a lot more for Fleet, dedicating larger chunks of time for simply writing and not for work/writing.

We’ll see how it works out… I’m pretty stressed about the ‘CHANGE’ that’s coming up and I’m finding it harder and harder to focus on the little everyday things that I need to focus on, you know? Like if it doesn’t directly effect the BIG PICTURE then I don’t want to deal with it.

ALAS, that’s now how the real world works, now is it?

You always get what you want.

I read a blog about not taking shit for granted. I was all like: “Dude, I wouldn’t take that for granted if I had it.” Followed by moping and grunt-face. 

I totally missed the point, of course. 

So. Here we go.

This blog. Next month it will be 9 years old. Doesn’t seem like much, really, when you think about it. I’ve been whining and bitching and OVERLY EMOTIVE and TYPOING on this blog for just under 10 years?!

But it’s hella awesome.

For 9 years I’ve had a place to write, moan, dream, be sad or happy or excited. Here. This is my home on the web. And people have read it. People have cared enough about me to check in every once in a while. I’ve made friends because of this blog, I’ve fallen in love and out of it again. I’ve been naughty and cruel and kind and so full of tears…. and you’ve come along with me.

Every step of the way.

I’ve always been a journal keeper so blogging was a natural evolution. What gets me though is the people who have come to know me through this medium. I mean, seriously, I’m insufferable at times. But you’ve hung in there.

Thank you. A million times a million. Especially you, Chasm. I want to buy you roses. Bouquet after bouquet after bouquet.

I’m thankful for twitter… oddly.

Sometimes my phone is like this window into this tiny party. My friends (both real and simply twitter friends) are just a SEND button away. I catch up with them, share what they’re checking out, call them when things seem worrisome, and talk mad shit. I’ve met so many cool people through twitter that would have just been faces in a crowd, you know? I’ve been to so many events or parties and been like…OMG, I follow you! and suddenly it’s like we’re old friends. *shrugs* I don’t think it’s anything short of awesome, really.

Its because of twitter and my supporters there that I finally took the bit between my teeth and sent my serial novel to be considered for publishing. Like, if I hadn’t had so many people going DO IT! DO IT! I don’t think I would have done it.

Granted, those who know me and have read my stuff are always like… DO IT DO IT DO IT but I’m always like “aw shucks ya’ll…” and never do it. Peer pressure, ya’ll… it can be harnessed for good.

I’m grateful that, for the most part, my stories have turned from blood to love. Mind you, I can and will write one hell of a bad guy but my short stories have become … softer. And I’m okay with that. And because of the warmth which Fleet was received I’m totally going to release  both “Killing in the Name of…” and “Cerulean Sea” as a serial… of I’ll just write something new. Whatever. I know now that rejection can’t stop me. The old dream of being a published author meaning that all your books are in print is  swiftly fading away.

These people who know me.

As my kids get older I’m constantly surprised by them. I don’t know if it’s something that all parents go through or what but… I totally want to hang out with my kids. Granted, I’m easily frustrated by them. I have such high expectations for them. Some I think are unattainable just yet. I think I expect too much from them and so I back off, let the grip loosen and try to just enjoy my pesky little monsters.

And when I do.

I have so much fun.

I know that no matter what, I’ll accept and support my kids… I just hope I get the same from them, you know? I had a horrid childhood and I’ve tried so hard to not let my kids have that same awful experience. I say ‘I’ as if I’m the only one working to raise General Nonsense, Major Tomfoolery and the Neeto Bandito. Nope, there’s Paul hand in hand with me for every bump on this ride.

Poor unfortunate fool. XD

Anyway, at the risk of sounding sappy. Thanks, dudes. I love ya’ll.

 

We come full circle, don’t we?

Once we were wild

like harts and hares

for me

everything was a battle

all jagged edges and war cries

and howling into the breathing dark

for you

you were lucky

my red haired lover

armed with light and laughter

and a kiss of stars upon your brow

You shook when we first fought

you’d never heard

a jackrabbit roar

and I’d never been

won over with laughter

How do I tell you

how I love you

without letting go

of all my walls

of all my shields

without letting warriors fall?

You cut your hair once

and i feared

your power would fade away

that you

would catch your wisdom

and stop loving me

and my broken edges

How do i tell you

that you have no power over me

and yet

without you

i am less than nothing?

I have never stopped counting the days

that have passed between us

I gather them

and hoard them

and guard every kiss like jealous magic

and fear only my slippery memory

of when these days are gone

In days to come

when we are tame

like harts and hares

I will be the lucky one

to kiss the stars upon your brow

 

What!?

It’s been MONTHS since I last posted. Sheesh, I should be ashamed!

Another year under my belt… Soon to be celebrating 7 years with Paul (3 years married)… Paul will be celebrating his next birthday… he’ll be what… 12, 13? 25? I don’t recall.  XD

Reading back through some of my older blogs and I’m forced to laugh at my nonsense. I mean I’m not ashamed or anything, just… well… *shrug*

2012 was actually a good year, as far as years go… It pretty much flew by and I learned plenty. I mean, I did nothing BUT learn in 2012.

I’m married to the most outstanding man I’ve ever known. Ever. You’d think that after 7 years I’d be like: meh. But no, I’ve never met someone as giving, loving, fun, funny, steady, smart, reliable and GOOD as Paul. I’m not just saying this because I know he’s going to be reading this, either.

I am blessed to have him in my life. He deals with my insecurities, my insanity, my rage, my tears and always… always… he comes back with only love and support… and a few choice words if I’ve been a spectacular asshat. Sometimes I just watch him and wonder why, you know? Why does he stick around? I’m no prize, man. Whatever his reason (Stockholms, prolly) I am blessed and I adore him.

I have… how many kids, now? 4? 7? Oh, 3 I have 3 of the most infuriating children on the face of the Earth. I wouldn’t change them for anything.

Except maybe an island of my own. Maybe.

My oldest is just like me when I was his age. Whoops. I oscillate between wanting to throttle him and wanting to cheer him on. He’s weird, vulgar, funny and brilliant. And going through all the tough shit a 13 year old has to go through. I just want to shake him sometimes, shake him and hold him and protect him from himself.

But he’s too much like me… and he’s going to have to walk a really hard road before he figures out a few needful truths. I just hope he comes into his own before too long. My worst fear is that he’s going to rudderless, without direction… and he’s going to wallow when shit starts rising. I’m not the best parent, I make mistakes but I think the best thing I can do for Bryce or his siblings is to let them make their mistakes and be there to help them tend their wounds then support them when they get back on their feet and rejoin the fray.

My daughter is … wow. She’s talented and beautiful. She’s so much more than I was at her age. I was all geek all the time, but she’s… wow. I’m tough on her, though. She’s going to have a hard road ahead of her, too. Being a woman has never been easy. I want her to be able to rely on herself. Not some dude, not her beauty… herself. She has worth and value… she is more than the sum of her parts. My fear is that she’ll be crippled by self doubt or fall prey to society’s pitfalls where the only things that ‘matter’ are how pretty you are, how much money you make and what you’ve got between your legs.

I fear for my daughter. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, though. She’s ambitious and willing to do the grunt work to reach her goals… to a point, but then again she’s only 12. I don’t expect her to carve out a career… yet.

Then there’s Keegan.

What can I say about him? He’s 5 going on 6 and he’s so much fun. He’s a mirror of his father. Caring and gentle, fun and imaginative… and weird. Yeah, my baby boy is a weirdo. I love it. When people are down he tries to pick them up. He only wants to be friends with everyone he sees but he takes it to heart when people don’t feel the same way. He’s pretty fearless when it comes down to it. He’s my knight, my jester, my little curly haired dinosaur. It makes me happiest when he sees me after a long day at school and shouts “MOOOM!”  before running to me with arms wide open.

Like I said, I’m not the best parent out there… but I’m the best parent I can be. I screw up and blunder and I realize that. Nonetheless, I get told that I’ve got great kids …but …I don’t agree.

I’ve got fucking AWESOME kids.

 

FilthyRotten’s 4th Annual Scarf Project!

The Scarf Project is now live!

The scarves will start appearing on the Team Scar Project  shop tonight. Be sure to read the post below to get this years updates on price, limits and custom scarves!

Do good! Stay Warm!

_________________________________________________________

It’s very nearly that time of year again! October has come to mean a lot to me recently.

First… free candy. I mean… you can’t beat that.

Second… the Scarf Project. I started this off 4 years ago (wow!) with the simple idea to raise a few dollars for a local charity. Yet, EVERY SINGLE YEAR you guys have shown me over and over again how freaking amazing you are and totally doubled goals over and over.

Wow.

Thank you.

You guys… are amazing.

For the most part, your my friends… either in the real world or on the bright, hectic world of twitter… but you push my blog posts and you retweet and you absolutely believe in me.  My gosh. You guys make me so freaking happy! As I write this I’m grinning like an idiot… but…what’s new with that?

My chosen charity is again http://www.Kiva.org. If you haven’t, yet… check out their site! And check out Team3ScarfProject, too!

With last years $110 earned through the sale of scarves we’ve made a total of 6 loans add that to the 4 loans I did to match what 3SP earned and we’ve loaned $250 to 3rd world entrepreneurs! All through selling of simple, hand made scarves.

Wow.  Pat yourselves on the back, guys!

Now this year there are a few changes to the project.

1) Most importantly (and this I hate the most): If you noticed, I’ve stopped calling it the $3 Scarf Project well… because… the rising cost of materials has made it such that I’ve been forced to raise the prices of the scarves from $3 to $5. I tried to not raise the price last year and it was a real struggle, let me tell you. Thankfully I had a lot of help with scarf and yarn donations.

2) DONATIONS ARE TOTALLY ACCEPTED! If you want to knit, sew or crochet a scarf or even donated your yarn left overs… email me! Filthyrottenangel@gmail.com

3) This year there isn’t going to be a list. It’s still August and I have given myself until October 1st to have 20 of 30 scarves made. That said I’ll be opening a shop front and selling them from there as a first come/first serve type thing. I will have help with mailing, thankfully, because this year I’m going to be REALLY ambitious.

4) MAILING… as always those of you who don’t live in local (Atlanta, Ga) and want your scarf shipped: shipping is $2. Those of you who ARE in ATL and still want your scarf shipped… shipping is $2. You can totally pick scarves up from me if you’d like to save that extra 2 bits. lol. Email me and we’ll work it out.

5) NO LIMITS ON SCARVES! Which I know will make a few of you really happy!

6) CUSTOM SCARVES: I am willing to crochet custom scarves but they won’t be available until November. Email me for more details.

Those are the only changes (so far) .  I’ll post more updates and pictures of scarves the closer we get to October!

Do Good! Stay Warm!

Of Togs and Tales

So, it’s almost been a year that Angeline and I have been writing on SIP/EC. Crazy.

Going back and working on stuff we wrote a year ago and seeing not only our improvements but how we’ve changed as writers is outstanding. Angeline was commenting on the art she’d originally done for the characters, ect and she’s come a long way. I’ve come a long way with writing. Not always for the better, mind you. I tend to leave out most of the description and condense what I want to say because in the back of my mind I know that I will be doing a rewrite and can flesh out the skeletons later.

As far as art goes… my painting and junk is pretty boss. YEAH I SAID IT FREAKING BOSS! DON’T YOU SASS ME!

I’m excited. August 1st is when the whole thing drops onto the word AND BLOWS YOU AWAY or at least kicks up a nice breeze.

The characters have all become darker, more real, more defined as well. I don’t know how to explain it. They went from just characters to something all together more… Sometimes we talk about them as if they’re real people.

…don’t ask.

Anyway, other than SIP/EC life has been… itself.

At some point in recent history my big kids became young adults and my little kid became a …well, he’s still a little kid.

Disturbing the Peace

We’ve moved…again!

Though I’m positive that this will be the last time in a while. This last move just wore me the fuck out. Work on Eternal California is kicking off again and while I’m scared that it’s going to flop (of course) my biggest fear is that failure will ruin my relationship with my sister-in-law who is co-writing and doing the art. (I’m co-writing and doing colors). The whole project is rather ambitious and you know how I am about projects…

GO GO GO GO and then I just fart off and do something else for a while.

The beauty of this, though, is that someone else can drive me with sticks when I fall behind.

AND RISK MY WRATH!

I joke… I kid!

But… seriously.

Scarves and pocket watches? Again?!

I want you all to check something out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Above are my two Southdown Babydoll sheep Gmork and Falkor, pretty stinkin’ cute, huh? I know! I know!! I am going to pick them up from their home in Missouri in late June and bring them home to Georgia where they will bounce and bound and eat grass and make wool which I will spin and dye and crochet into scarves which I will in turn sell to put food on the table, raise money for charity, and keep warm… and use to buy more punctuation!

However, the initial costs of lambs is kind of expensive. Building a shelter, renting pasture, buying vaccines and wormers, the cost of grain, hay, halters, leads and a live stock guardian (which I’m still looking to adopt) really builds up after a while.

So I’m doing another scarf sale! Unlike the $3 Scarf Project these scarves will not be sold below cost because THESE SCARVES are made of more quality yarn. Most of it hand spun by myself. I will be listing these scarves on my Etsy account as well as a few of my basic pocket watches as they come available. HOWEVER, if you’d like to get first choice of these items before I list them on Etsy I will make a waiting list just for you.

Scarves will have a locked in waiting list price of $10 and pocket watches will have a locked in waiting list price of $30. Shipping is an additional cost.

However, since this is a first come/ first serve operation I will only have the items available up for grabs for 2 days before I send them to Etsy. I will send out a twitter blast with pictures of items as they come available (Watches take a lot longer so please be patient) .

So, even if you don’t need another scarf for this winter or if you’re not a fan of pocket watches please send this blog/tweet on. Every little bit helps!

Thanks!

Hippity Hop

Goddamn…I’ve gone most of this year without a real post!

Forgive me, forgive me do.

So far this year has been very … Interesting to say the least. We are of course… moving again! HUZZAH…no, wait, we didn’t WANT TO move again.

Damn.

I now have 2 middle schoolers and 1 elementary school student. The time has just flown by. You know, when I started this blog I was living in the basement of my aunt’s house… Bre was in pre-k and Bboy was in kindergarten…  nothing seemed certain and I was pretty angry about it all.

And now…

I’m not so angry. LOL

Writing on Eternal California and Fleet is going wonderfully, I mean… the vibe between Angeline and myself is awesome. Inspiration hasn’t dried up for Fleet yet and while it’s a difficult piece to write I have an amazing support team behind me.

I don’t know… there are a million things I could say but I’m going to keep it simple and write more often. Sorry about that!

Oh!

PS

A couple poems of mine are going to be published in a compilation! GO GO TEAM!

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