That perennial feeling is back. Simple shivers just under the skin. I’ve been so attuned to a ghost for so many years I’m unfamiliar with being unhaunted.

I’ve spent so many years crying over an empty grave, weeping for a boy long lost that I have no idea where to spill my tears now that the grave is finally filled and a dead boy has long gone home.

I wait for the gray sky to empty over my head, to spill the world and all that stride upon it up and out into the ever darkening sky. I shift and the lode stones of  space shift with me.

I want to crawl along the edge of you and me, but I’ve grown cold and stiff. Afraid that if all that is left of me is this young woman trapped in my aging shell… that I’ll forget what it was like to run through winter wheat, I’ll forget what spring looked like from the other way around.

Most of all I’m afraid, when I sit staring into nothing, that I will forget the smile that would come across his face. Slow like the rising sun, complete as ages, full as the moon.

Maybe that’s why gray skies and wet leaves cause me to catch my breath and pray.

They remind me of all the hours we waited. For a word. For a sound. For an answer.

I like to think you chose to be reborn. That maybe in another life we’ll meet again. As cats. As wolves. As cold December winds. I like to think that an accident gave you wings. I like to think that you and I had a future that blossomed somewhere other than in my ever hopeful imagining.

October’s gone and I’ve gotten my wish. The dead don’t steal my breath anymore. Harrowed dreams don’t cause me to wake and weep anymore. I don’t see you in the crowd anymore. I don’t see you anywhere, even when it rains.

You’ve left me again, Toby. First in death and now to my life.

Am I haunting you now?

I think I am. Poor Toby, I think I am.

I’ve saved this song for you.

Written in a language I no longer speak, sung in a tongue I have forgotten.

You though, with eyes struck through with sunlight, are as fluid as water as though these arpeggios were river rocks.

Suddenly I don’t feel so crafty anymore. My cunning undercut by your native and natural talents.

I feel as if I slipped my skin only to find myself in a room full of wolves, unimpressed by my posturing.

You sing the song I, in darkness, wrote for you.

And I am envious of all you gleaming.

You sing it as if soul and sound were one, with voice lifted and wondering eyes half closed in the bliss blessings make.

I, for once, am humbled.

So I’ve started playing a new game. It’s called Khimeros. And I loves it.

LOVES IT!

I won’t tell you anything major about it other than you need to go to visit khimeros.com and find out. It’s still in beta testing and they’re giving out a few codes every once in a while. STOKED.

Hibbary (of deviant art) does art for it. I am already a mad fan of hers and the fact that the site’s art is so amazing only makes me more in love with her skills.

Fall. I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of the view. I’ve got both of the glass doors open and all I can see are crimson, gold, umber and a green so deep it looks almost black.

I’d like to write something beautiful…but the kids are pissing me off.

Fall.

I love it.

Also, I haven’t written one stinking word for NaNoWriMo.

GAWD. Before NaNo I was a typing DEMON (totally unofficial for my word count). This is the first year I’ve WANTED to do it and didn’t even try.

I have my excuses… Really, as soon as I figure out wtf they are I’ll get back to you.

In other news… airplants are my newest obsession.

In other other news I’m seriously considering flying Kritty to ATL to visit me. I’ve gone to visit her BUT she’s never been here and she’s not seen the kids in …gawd… almost 5 years.  And she’s NEVER met Keegan.

Also, SisterInLaws. Granted I only have the one but she’s really awesome. For a while I wished I had a sister like her only to realize that the girl would effing hate me by now!

And teasing A.P. is just the best thing in the world. For me. She probably hates me.

Gaining Poppy as a new puppy isn’t going well, Banfield lost my vetting records (thaaaaanks banfield) and so there’s no record of Guinness ever getting his shots.

Apparently my chickens from the farm house (Henny and Penny aka Mean Bitch) will be coming back to me as soon as I get a coop built, which makes me SO HAPPY. I loved hand raising the girls but I don’t think I want to do it all over again. Fatherinlaw dude says he’s getting 3 to 4 eggs a day from the hens he’s got… I think in all he’s got 4. DUDE, ENVY!

Also, Chasm is back. [Glee]

Random  Story 669658-ppl9

Ephete has always scared him. He thinks of her a dog, and not a woman caught endlessly in her primal form.

I think of her as she used to be, all those moons and moons ago. When winter raged and we raced in our skins through the sleeting snow. I think of her leaping at her prey, fangs bared like hunger. It is this I think of now.

“Fausille?” he asks, voice quiet and unbeliving. “You… you wouldn’t hurt them would you?”

Later in my life, when he is reduced to nothing more than a ghost, he will repeat this question… endlessly. He will ask me in a voice faint from forgetting the use of voices. He will ask me while trailing me. While keeping pace with the endless, sleepless dead.

This may seem familiar…

…I believe in second chances. That the universe comes around again to give you hope and lift your spirits.

If I could go back in time I would, I’d totally do everything in my power to keep Jane. I realize now I gave up too easy, I should have fought.

I didn’t want the struggle or to fight or to make my living situation worse. I know better know, and I’m totally going to forgive myself this guilt.

Jane found a better home, family, situation… I’m just blue that it wasn’t with me.

So now, into the future… while looking for a dog for Paul I found Poppy.

She’s a dead ringer for Jane (save more brown on her brows and more white on her nose and less on her tail). And she’s everything that Paul wants in a dog and everything that I need in one.

AND Guinness will have a playmate. The kids leave him alone (well the big kids do) because he’s so delicate. So he’s usually under me, curled up against my feet or destroying the hell out of anything that squeaks. The kids will have a dog large enough to run around and play with and tumble with. I think with another dog to play with he’ll be able to expend some of that AMAZING energy of his.

Don’t get me wrong, Guinness plays with the kids, especially the baby (because Kee is made of crumbs) but as soon as the play gets rough Gman is GONE! Smart little dog, if you ask me.When he’s out he’s running all over the house, jumping on the kids beds  and sneaking them kisses and stealing their toys.  I just think that when Guinness was a puppy my constant shouts of “LOOK OUT!!!” kinda made them nervous of him. After all, he WAS the size of a can of soda.

So since I’m really the only one to play with him…and he’s got BAGS of energy while I might have a teaspoon full of it… he wears me OUT.

So the rescue called the people I had listed to recommend me for MOST AWESOME. They did their jobs well. Rock on young monsters, rock on.

So now… it’s the waiting game. After this stage comes the home visit, then they tell me if I’m approved or not for a 2 week trial period to see if Poppy will be a good fit in my home.

Somewhere in there I pay them the adoption fee… S’all good.

Even if I’m not approved I think I will still sponsor Poppy, meaning I’ll still give the rescue money for her care.

Well … here is hoping.

So NaNoWriMo is ALMOST HERE, it’s so hard to not start writing out my ideas.

Instead I’m going to go ahead with this years plans to make my NaNoNovel a lot more public by posting each night’s on a blog type thing.

I’m not really sure about it though. There’s a huge project due at work, moving to a new facility, BIRTHDAYS and just getting my words on the screen might take up all the extra time I have.

We’ll see.

Until then, here’s where I got the title from

“While greedy we/ glut ourselves/ on spilling goblets of

might and life/ laugh chortle silly phrases -

she great hunter/ smiles so sly/ and modestly sips/ of another cup.”

I’ve made a very important decision regarding the new house.

The guest bathroom will have a toilet unicorn.

[GRIN] This comes from an awesome shop over at etsy that sells decals on and for everything from windows to toilets to stockings. So serious. Stockings. Click the pic, it’ll take you there.

Now in other news-

Knitting. Remember when I was learning to crochet and wanted to kill everything with the crochet needle b/c I just couldn’t get ANYTHING RIGHT. Let’s revisit that really quick because KNITTING SUCKS.  Though I’m using my experience with crochet, spinning, butter making, ice-cream making to kind of keep myself from losing my nut.

It’s hard, but soon it’ll get to a point where I just can DO IT no problem, no stress.

I’m just gonna keep telling myself that.

So, here in la la land we post pictures from windows BECAUSE our new computer has no images on it BECAUSE our husband type beasts have destroyed the camera by exposing it to life changing, scarring and potentially fatal experiences….  Like Rocky Horror.

I kid.

It wasn’t ‘like’ Rocky Horror…it WAS Rocky Horror!! For some reason our camera rebelled and now it won’t do the picture taking thing.

Damn.

So, we’re moving again. Into a house without a view. I’ll post pictures to explain…oh…wait a minute, nvm

I sold my first scarf from my $3 Scarf Project!

It’s 99 inches of scarf (not including the fringe) that’s finding a new home in Australia! I’m pretty damned excited! It’s a super thin design, like a long warm piece of ribbon. [glee]

Oh NANOWRIMO is raising it’s ugly head, soon!!

I’m pretty excited, I think I’m really gonna get into the whole thing by launching a website and everything. Because I really want to get published, you know, but I’m so fucking lazy it’s a damn shame…like now. I don’t even think I’m gonna finish this post.

So. Dragon*Con!

First, PISSED that I didn’t have the calling cards that I wanted… and no not the Call Nigeria for $.05 per minute!!! calling cards, I mean like this. Mainly because I had SO MANY PEOPLE asking me about my bubblewatch [glee] I even sold one this weekend!

Second, DragonCon rocked. OH MY GOD DID IT! And it’s still ROCKIN’ till Monday.

Third, mention you met me @ dragon*con and you get 20% off in my Etsy store ClockworkRabbit Crafts and Contraptions.

Fourth, I couldn’t find Dash, the chick who bought my clockwork wings. And this made me sad.

Fifth, I found someone I lost a few years ago. I was sitting, drunkenly blathering, when some dude was suddenly in the conversation. Paul said something about sharing his rum and he said to me “I’ll share, if you can remember my name.” I was all like “Yeah? It’s S.P.S.” I said it all nonchalant. As if I haven’t been looking for this dude for YEARS, right? And he was all “Wow, you’re right.” Then I said his name again…and it clicked. You know like a light switch went on. OMG!!!

So I tackled him and accosted him with the drunken blah blahs. Lucky dude.

That is all.